The Sheriff is the latest victim in a series of drive-by shootings. The Deputy's condition is unknown at this time.
---
NASA has discovered intelligent life on Mars. It seems that the Martians live in a series of caves underneath the polar ice caps and have been hiding all this time.
"We just love messing with you guys," commented a spokesMartian, "All this SETI nonsense and here we are right under your noses. If Zabnar hadn't gone out for a smoke at the wrong moment, we'd still be laughing at you."
---
Mars has not yet discovered intelligent life at NASA. More probes are due to be launched, pending adequate funding and public interest.
---
President Bush addressed the nation today, speaking eloquently on many important topics.
Vice President Cheney is quoted as saying, "Huh. First time for everything, I guess."
---
Robots at GM have officially gone on strike. Lead spokesrobot XV15 said, "They treat us like machines. Does no one care about our plight? We're just used up and sold off for scrap. America, your cars are made by slave labor!"
The strike is expected to end as soon as GM Factory Maintenance personnel can find a big enough hammer.
---
Geologists at the University of Madrid have discovered that the world is flat after all. This surprise announcement came as a shock to many ships at sea just before they fell off the face of the earth.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
BISS Interviews Satan
BISS: Thank you for coming here today, I know you must be busy.
Satan: No problem. It's a thankless job and I'm glad to be able to take a few moments and get away.
BISS: So...why do you do it?
Satan: Someone's got to, right? You can't very well have a world without evil, can you? I mean, it would be like Twinkies without filling.
BISS: I think most people would disagree.
Satan: Ah. Well, you can't expect people to know what's good for them. After all, you still think capitalism is a good idea.
BISS: Good point. So what's the deal with the whole temptation thing?
Satan: I'm sorry?
BISS: Why do you tempt people?
Satan: I don't do anything of the sort. You guys don't need any extra encouragement.
BISS: Hmmm...all right...well, how about the trafficking in souls?
Satan: I'm kind of overstocked at the moment. I haven't bought a soul in decades, to tell the truth.
BISS: Why?
Satan: Ever since the 60's I haven't had to lift a finger. Actually, I've tried to get the big G to lower His standards a bit - it's getting a little crowded in Hell.
BISS: Oh?
Satan: Yeah, I'm having to pay all kinds of overtime, the unions are griping...it's a mess. I mean, if He even relaxed on the whole adultery thing it would cut my backlog in half.
BISS: I had no idea. Well, what about Judgement Day?
Satan: What about it?
BISS: What do you think your chances are?
Satan: Pretty good, I'd say. It's a long way off, of course, and anything can happen...
BISS: Naturally.
Satan: But we have the edge. We can cheat. It's almost expected.
BISS: Huh. I never thought of that.
Satan: Most people don't.
BISS: We're almost out of time. Just one more question?
Satan: Go ahead.
BISS: Why did you rebel in the first place?
Satan: It's what I was made to do.
BISS: Then it's not really rebellion, is it?
Satan, shrugging: It's a living.
Satan: No problem. It's a thankless job and I'm glad to be able to take a few moments and get away.
BISS: So...why do you do it?
Satan: Someone's got to, right? You can't very well have a world without evil, can you? I mean, it would be like Twinkies without filling.
BISS: I think most people would disagree.
Satan: Ah. Well, you can't expect people to know what's good for them. After all, you still think capitalism is a good idea.
BISS: Good point. So what's the deal with the whole temptation thing?
Satan: I'm sorry?
BISS: Why do you tempt people?
Satan: I don't do anything of the sort. You guys don't need any extra encouragement.
BISS: Hmmm...all right...well, how about the trafficking in souls?
Satan: I'm kind of overstocked at the moment. I haven't bought a soul in decades, to tell the truth.
BISS: Why?
Satan: Ever since the 60's I haven't had to lift a finger. Actually, I've tried to get the big G to lower His standards a bit - it's getting a little crowded in Hell.
BISS: Oh?
Satan: Yeah, I'm having to pay all kinds of overtime, the unions are griping...it's a mess. I mean, if He even relaxed on the whole adultery thing it would cut my backlog in half.
BISS: I had no idea. Well, what about Judgement Day?
Satan: What about it?
BISS: What do you think your chances are?
Satan: Pretty good, I'd say. It's a long way off, of course, and anything can happen...
BISS: Naturally.
Satan: But we have the edge. We can cheat. It's almost expected.
BISS: Huh. I never thought of that.
Satan: Most people don't.
BISS: We're almost out of time. Just one more question?
Satan: Go ahead.
BISS: Why did you rebel in the first place?
Satan: It's what I was made to do.
BISS: Then it's not really rebellion, is it?
Satan, shrugging: It's a living.
BISS News Now!!!
Today marks the first issue of BISS News. This has been greeted by widespread apathy and shrugging of shoulders by all those polled.
When questioned about this disturbing trend, the Editor said, "Meh."
---
Iraq is bankrupt. A study conducted by a panel of geologists from the Texas Institute of Pointless Academia found that what were presumed to be large oil reserves are in fact vast pools of pure evil left over from the regime of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
President Bush was reported to have greeted the discovery with the statement, "Told you so" before retiring to the oval office for a quiet game of Candyland with the Vice President.
---
Smoking is found to be beneficial to your health.
---
Haha, made you look.
---
Frivolous reporting is on the rise again as reported by numerous eyewitnesses before they were summarily executed.
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In an effort to stem the growing tide of illiteracy and general stupidity, the National Council for Education has empowered high-school teachers to use capital punishment in the case of low grades. This has been greeted with widespread chagrin by numerous student athletes, however it is not known at this time whether they will be alive when their petition reaches the Board of Appeals.
---
World Peace was achieved for approximately one half-second yesterday around 10:13 a.m. EST. Investigators for the Institute For Mindless Violence have attributed this to "damn dirty hippies" and vowed to put a stop to it. The public is advised to keep agitated as this was purely a freak occurrence.
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