Please, Sir, May I Have Some More?

In an attempt to simplify the situation in Iraq, President Bush has presented Congress with an ingenious plan. US military forces will be authorized to kill every third Iraqi citizen they see.

Bush was quoted as saying, "We'll get 'em all eventually."

It is unknown at this time whether he was referring to terrorists, insurgents or Iraqis in general.

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A recent study conducted by the Harvard Panel of Grammer show that mispelings ar on the rize.
This reporter blamez Hookd On Fonix.

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Science is evil. This random ignorance is brought to you by the Council for Intelligent Design.

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Religion is evil. This not-quite-so-random ignorance is brought to you by the Council for Humanism.

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Bill Gates will give away five million dollars to the first stranger to speak to him tomorrow.
"Not really," he is reported as saying, "I just wanted to see my name in print again."

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According to the Institute for Ridiculous Studies, every second you spend on the Internet lowers your life expectancy by one second. One researcher is quoted as saying, "We're all doomed. DOOOMED."

BISS News Now!!!

Today marks the first issue of BISS News. This has been greeted by widespread apathy and shrugging of shoulders by all those polled.

When questioned about this disturbing trend, the Editor said, "Meh."

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Iraq is bankrupt. A study conducted by a panel of geologists from the Texas Institute of Pointless Academia found that what were presumed to be large oil reserves are in fact vast pools of pure evil left over from the regime of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

President Bush was reported to have greeted the discovery with the statement, "Told you so" before retiring to the oval office for a quiet game of Candyland with the Vice President.

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Smoking is found to be beneficial to your health.

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Haha, made you look.

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Frivolous reporting is on the rise again as reported by numerous eyewitnesses before they were summarily executed.

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In an effort to stem the growing tide of illiteracy and general stupidity, the National Council for Education has empowered high-school teachers to use capital punishment in the case of low grades. This has been greeted with widespread chagrin by numerous student athletes, however it is not known at this time whether they will be alive when their petition reaches the Board of Appeals.

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World Peace was achieved for approximately one half-second yesterday around 10:13 a.m. EST. Investigators for the Institute For Mindless Violence have attributed this to "damn dirty hippies" and vowed to put a stop to it. The public is advised to keep agitated as this was purely a freak occurrence.