Because I Say So, That's Why.

Monday, August 31, 2009

Special Report: Final Fantasy Protest

With the release of Dissidia for the PSP, many Final Fantasy Characters are angry with Square Enix. Our correspondent was there at the virtual scene:

BISS: Excuse me, why are you all protesting?

Edge: This is blatant favoritism! Why should that sissy Cecil get the screen time and I get nothing? Without me and Rydia, he never would've done anything.

Sabin: Yeah, my brother and I did all the work and what do we get? We get the shaft while the freaky half-human chick gets the glory!

BISS: Where is Edgar, anyway? I don't see him around.

Sabin: I think I saw him wander off with your assistant.

BISS: [sigh, eyeing the rocking news-van]

Yuna: And Tidus! I went through a whole extra game looking for that bastard and this is how he thanks me!

Tifa: You think you've got it rough? Try hauling these boobs around all day. Do you have any idea how much porn they've made out of me?

BISS: Well, I can see Square has a lot to answer for... hey what's that little guy in the black robes doing?

Garnet: Oh no, Vivi, NO! Not that! Everybody run!

BISS: [running from the Meteor] This has been a BISS News special report-


Thursday, August 27, 2009




Trolling found to be annoying, according to everyone else.


Irresponsible statements on the rise. No source cited.


A panel of scientists and librarians recently approved the use of Wikipedia as a primary source in academic, legal and cultural study.

"Yeah, all right," said one, "Go ahead and cite wiki. We just don't care anymore..."

Students and lazy people everywhere rejoice.


Researchers at the Stockholm Institute for Laziness have discovered ... stuff ... you know ... ah, who cares?


Residents of Tokyo were alarmed yesterday by reports that Godzilla was approaching the city intent on wreaking mayhem and destruction. Luckily, due to an error in scale, Godzilla was placed in a cat carrier and adopted by a local reptile lover after having its picture taken numerous times.

"So desu ne?" was the widespread reaction, along with much speculation about where all the bases are that belong to them.


A linguistics panel at UCLA Berkley recently concluded that "Engrish rocks!"

Their opinion on Spanglish is not known at this time, but if anyone has seen a water pipe in the shape of a Gundam suit, please return to the Linguistics department.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Please, Sir, May I Have Some More?

In an attempt to simplify the situation in Iraq, President Bush has presented Congress with an ingenious plan. US military forces will be authorized to kill every third Iraqi citizen they see.

Bush was quoted as saying, "We'll get 'em all eventually."

It is unknown at this time whether he was referring to terrorists, insurgents or Iraqis in general.


A recent study conducted by the Harvard Panel of Grammer show that mispelings ar on the rize.
This reporter blamez Hookd On Fonix.


Science is evil. This random ignorance is brought to you by the Council for Intelligent Design.


Religion is evil. This not-quite-so-random ignorance is brought to you by the Council for Humanism.


Bill Gates will give away five million dollars to the first stranger to speak to him tomorrow.
"Not really," he is reported as saying, "I just wanted to see my name in print again."


According to the Institute for Ridiculous Studies, every second you spend on the Internet lowers your life expectancy by one second. One researcher is quoted as saying, "We're all doomed. DOOOMED."

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Weekend News 10/13/07

The Sheriff is the latest victim in a series of drive-by shootings. The Deputy's condition is unknown at this time.


NASA has discovered intelligent life on Mars. It seems that the Martians live in a series of caves underneath the polar ice caps and have been hiding all this time.

"We just love messing with you guys," commented a spokesMartian, "All this SETI nonsense and here we are right under your noses. If Zabnar hadn't gone out for a smoke at the wrong moment, we'd still be laughing at you."


Mars has not yet discovered intelligent life at NASA. More probes are due to be launched, pending adequate funding and public interest.


President Bush addressed the nation today, speaking eloquently on many important topics.
Vice President Cheney is quoted as saying, "Huh. First time for everything, I guess."


Robots at GM have officially gone on strike. Lead spokesrobot XV15 said, "They treat us like machines. Does no one care about our plight? We're just used up and sold off for scrap. America, your cars are made by slave labor!"

The strike is expected to end as soon as GM Factory Maintenance personnel can find a big enough hammer.


Geologists at the University of Madrid have discovered that the world is flat after all. This surprise announcement came as a shock to many ships at sea just before they fell off the face of the earth.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

BISS Interviews Satan

BISS: Thank you for coming here today, I know you must be busy.
Satan: No problem. It's a thankless job and I'm glad to be able to take a few moments and get away.
BISS: So...why do you do it?
Satan: Someone's got to, right? You can't very well have a world without evil, can you? I mean, it would be like Twinkies without filling.
BISS: I think most people would disagree.
Satan: Ah. Well, you can't expect people to know what's good for them. After all, you still think capitalism is a good idea.
BISS: Good point. So what's the deal with the whole temptation thing?
Satan: I'm sorry?
BISS: Why do you tempt people?
Satan: I don't do anything of the sort. You guys don't need any extra encouragement.
BISS: Hmmm...all right...well, how about the trafficking in souls?
Satan: I'm kind of overstocked at the moment. I haven't bought a soul in decades, to tell the truth.
BISS: Why?
Satan: Ever since the 60's I haven't had to lift a finger. Actually, I've tried to get the big G to lower His standards a bit - it's getting a little crowded in Hell.
Satan: Yeah, I'm having to pay all kinds of overtime, the unions are's a mess. I mean, if He even relaxed on the whole adultery thing it would cut my backlog in half.
BISS: I had no idea. Well, what about Judgement Day?
Satan: What about it?
BISS: What do you think your chances are?
Satan: Pretty good, I'd say. It's a long way off, of course, and anything can happen...
BISS: Naturally.
Satan: But we have the edge. We can cheat. It's almost expected.
BISS: Huh. I never thought of that.
Satan: Most people don't.
BISS: We're almost out of time. Just one more question?
Satan: Go ahead.
BISS: Why did you rebel in the first place?
Satan: It's what I was made to do.
BISS: Then it's not really rebellion, is it?
Satan, shrugging: It's a living.

BISS News Now!!!

Today marks the first issue of BISS News. This has been greeted by widespread apathy and shrugging of shoulders by all those polled.
When questioned about this disturbing trend, the Editor said, "Meh."
Iraq is bankrupt. A study conducted by a panel of geologists from the Texas Institute of Pointless Academia found that what were presumed to be large oil reserves are in fact vast pools of pure evil left over from the regime of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
President Bush was reported to have greeted the discovery with the statement, "Told you so" before retiring to the oval office for a quiet game of Candyland with the Vice President.
Smoking is found to be beneficial to your health.
Haha, made you look.
Frivolous reporting is on the rise again as reported by numerous eyewitnesses before they were summarily executed.
In an effort to stem the growing tide of illiteracy and general stupidity, the National Council for Education has empowered high-school teachers to use capital punishment in the case of low grades. This has been greeted with widespread chagrin by numerous student athletes, however it is not known at this time whether they will be alive when their petition reaches the Board of Appeals.
World Peace was achieved for approximately one half-second yesterday around 10:13 a.m. EST. Investigators for the Institute For Mindless Violence have attributed this to "damn dirty hippies" and vowed to put a stop to it. The public is advised to keep agitated as this was purely a freak occurrence.